Straining under the surface
I have realized that it's quite all right for me to give in to my xenophobic tendencies. Now that Brexit has happened and Trump has trumped, who am I to act all coy and act as if I were always this 'all embracing' people lover?
All those who find fault with these tendencies of mine should know that I never accept responsibility for any flaws of mine. I routinely fix it on someone else. For instance maybe I could blame my bigotedness on genes or conditioning.
I remember telling my parents "I am a proud Dravidian" to which my father immediately retorted "that must come from your mother's side of the family, I am a true blue Aryan!"
It's a given, that all North Indians who make Bangalore their residence for any length of time start aspiring to truly belong to the city.
They adopt every possible mannerism to try and act as if they were truly evolved and proud South Indians, specifically 'Kannadigas.'
They will say things like "come off machcha" (completely unaware of the irony of using a Tamil word meaning brother in law to try and act like a local kannadiga), "let's go to India Coffee House and have by-two coffee."
Enroute when someone scrapes their vehicle while overtaking from the wrong side they will shout "yeno goobe, licence yaaru kotru" (what? You owl, who gave you a driving licence?)
Furthermore they may learn to speak English in Kannada, basically by adding 'u' to any word to make it a Kannada word. So door in Kannada is dooru, watch is watchu, scrub is scrubu. You get the gist?
The truly cunning ones who have climbed Machiavellian levels of doublespeak, have learnt to give directions in the local style; where first of all, one confidently gives directions to places one has never ever heard of. So, for instance someone will ask "Where is Bhadrappa layout?" In your head you confuse it with Bhadravati, which is near Shimoga. So you are pretty sure they need to get on to a highway. You have no clue which highway, but your mojo will get affected if you confess "I don't know," so you just swagger, bend your body in a helpful pose, look soulfully into the car window and point with your fingers. You say "Straaaight hogi," (go straight) aa mele (after that) "right thirgi" (turn right) this while pointing left with your hand. The person taking directions can later-on blame themselves that they should have followed the hand signals rather than the verbal directions. This way, the true Bangalorean absolves himself of all responsibility.
Be not afraid, dear reader, that there is no way to separate the wheat from the chaff. I have written this, with the express intention of helping people figure out who the imposter is.
Slyly, invite the test case to eat south Indian food at any darshini. Wait for them to order idlis. When they ask for a refill of their sambhar, pay close attention. If they tell the waiter in Kannada "swalpa Sambur Kodi." (Please give me some sambhar) Then it's like catching them in the act. That's the only way to distinguish a truly evolved wannabe from the original. The local will say 'sambhaar', the non-local will say 'sambur'. (pronouncing the 'u' like the 'u' in umbrella)
After that, watch them dodge their culpability with huge amusement and derision. Some, like my husband, having been married to South Indians, have already learned these tricks. With such people, you just have to ask for a copy of their passport.
Interestingly, I have a cousin who having grown up in Pune, imagines (wrongly of course) that he and fellow Marathi manoos are superior in some fashion. He offensively called me a Madrasi (a slighting way to refer to all South Indians). First of all that is geographically incorrect since I don't even stay in erstwhile Madras (now Chennai). Secondly, that is the height of chauvinism. Born to parents, both of who are kannadigas, he calls himself a supporter of Shiva Sena (the right wing 'Maharashtra for Maharashtrians' party). Goes to show how narrow minded people are getting! There is jingoism and there is jingoism. Mine is acceptable, other people's isn't.
All those who find fault with these tendencies of mine should know that I never accept responsibility for any flaws of mine. I routinely fix it on someone else. For instance maybe I could blame my bigotedness on genes or conditioning.
I remember telling my parents "I am a proud Dravidian" to which my father immediately retorted "that must come from your mother's side of the family, I am a true blue Aryan!"
It's a given, that all North Indians who make Bangalore their residence for any length of time start aspiring to truly belong to the city.
They adopt every possible mannerism to try and act as if they were truly evolved and proud South Indians, specifically 'Kannadigas.'
They will say things like "come off machcha" (completely unaware of the irony of using a Tamil word meaning brother in law to try and act like a local kannadiga), "let's go to India Coffee House and have by-two coffee."
Enroute when someone scrapes their vehicle while overtaking from the wrong side they will shout "yeno goobe, licence yaaru kotru" (what? You owl, who gave you a driving licence?)
Furthermore they may learn to speak English in Kannada, basically by adding 'u' to any word to make it a Kannada word. So door in Kannada is dooru, watch is watchu, scrub is scrubu. You get the gist?
The truly cunning ones who have climbed Machiavellian levels of doublespeak, have learnt to give directions in the local style; where first of all, one confidently gives directions to places one has never ever heard of. So, for instance someone will ask "Where is Bhadrappa layout?" In your head you confuse it with Bhadravati, which is near Shimoga. So you are pretty sure they need to get on to a highway. You have no clue which highway, but your mojo will get affected if you confess "I don't know," so you just swagger, bend your body in a helpful pose, look soulfully into the car window and point with your fingers. You say "Straaaight hogi," (go straight) aa mele (after that) "right thirgi" (turn right) this while pointing left with your hand. The person taking directions can later-on blame themselves that they should have followed the hand signals rather than the verbal directions. This way, the true Bangalorean absolves himself of all responsibility.
Be not afraid, dear reader, that there is no way to separate the wheat from the chaff. I have written this, with the express intention of helping people figure out who the imposter is.
Slyly, invite the test case to eat south Indian food at any darshini. Wait for them to order idlis. When they ask for a refill of their sambhar, pay close attention. If they tell the waiter in Kannada "swalpa Sambur Kodi." (Please give me some sambhar) Then it's like catching them in the act. That's the only way to distinguish a truly evolved wannabe from the original. The local will say 'sambhaar', the non-local will say 'sambur'. (pronouncing the 'u' like the 'u' in umbrella)
After that, watch them dodge their culpability with huge amusement and derision. Some, like my husband, having been married to South Indians, have already learned these tricks. With such people, you just have to ask for a copy of their passport.
Interestingly, I have a cousin who having grown up in Pune, imagines (wrongly of course) that he and fellow Marathi manoos are superior in some fashion. He offensively called me a Madrasi (a slighting way to refer to all South Indians). First of all that is geographically incorrect since I don't even stay in erstwhile Madras (now Chennai). Secondly, that is the height of chauvinism. Born to parents, both of who are kannadigas, he calls himself a supporter of Shiva Sena (the right wing 'Maharashtra for Maharashtrians' party). Goes to show how narrow minded people are getting! There is jingoism and there is jingoism. Mine is acceptable, other people's isn't.
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