The reason men need to look good

“I don't even want to meet this guy, much less marry him,” I told my mother after seeing the photograph of yet another prospective groom. My mother tried another track, frustrated at my refusal to be pliable.

“He has a good personality,” she countered. If she had watched 'When Harry met Sally,’ I wouldn't have had to explain the reason why I didn't want to meet people with good personalities. “He’s going to need a good personality with that picture,” I grumbled in irritation.

My father, looking stony faced, muttered slightingly about how I needed to look at my own reflection in the mirror.

“If humans are to be prevented from annihilating one another,” (which may not be such a bad thing actually) “women need to be courageous and men need to be attractive.” I explained patiently.

Looking entirely unamused and unwilling to be persuaded by my glib tongue, he decided to escape from the house.

A cursory reading of Hindu mythology, brings me to this solid conclusion. My ever favourite, Mahabharata, is an easy reference point. The battle between the Kauravas and the Pandavas wouldn't have taken place if the criteria I stated above had been fulfilled.

For those, unfamiliar with the saga, the family history goes like this:

King Shantanu, of the kingdom of Hastinapura, who has a grown son from an earlier marriage, Bhishma, faces a midlife crisis, or maybe feels the need to prove his virility to the population. Quite like king Bhupendra Singh of Patiala, who was required to parade naked once a year, showing his engorged organ to his subjects. How diverting that must have been!

 

Coming back to Shantanu, he marries a beautiful, nubile, young and maybe not so tender but fragrant Satyavathi (apparently she smelled of fish, but later that smell turned musky due to an illicit affair with a sage. Perfume companies or the fishing industry should spend a little on researching this trivia, fortunes are waiting to be made)

Satyavathi had a son, (in just a bit I will tell you his name, for he is the hero of our discussion today) from this relationship; but  playing hard to get, Satyavathi agrees to marry the king on the condition that their kids would inherit the throne, denying Bhishma his birthright.

Bhishma being the noble soul that he was, agreed to relinquish his claim to the throne and also vowed to stay celibate so that his descendants wouldn't squabble over it. The road to hell is truly paved with good intentions.

Fast forward a couple of decades, Satyavati's legal son, Vichitravirya dies young, leaving behind two young widows, Ambika and Ambalika.

There is no heir to the throne and everyone is worried. Satyavathi turns to Bhishma in this crisis and requests him to impregnate the deceased king's wives but Bhishma can't or won't break his vow (or probably doesn't find them desirable enough). In desperation, Satyavathi reveals that she had borne a child secretly, out of wedlock, and this child, who is now a full grown adult and a sage to boot, goes by the name of Veda Vyasa. That is how we get to learn that the author of the Mahabharata, is also a part actor in it. Quite like Hitchcock who had a cameo in each of his movies.

The new plan, version 1.2, is to get Veda Vyasa to do the honours.

This Vyasa was apparently very frightful looking, he had been performing penances for a long time and hadn't found time to groom himself. When the elder widow, Ambika, went in to do her duty by the kingdom, she was so scared she closed her eyes the entire time. Hence the child born to her was blind. He was known as Dhritarashtra.

This was an unfortunate turn of events. Seeing this, the wise sage asked Satyavathi to send the next widow. Ambalika turned pale when she saw the seer and the child born to her, Pandu was born pale, some say anemic, I think he probably had vitiligo or was an albino.

The sage, persevering despite these setbacks, asked Satyavathi to send one of the widows again, in the hope that the next child would be a Mr World. However the frightened women sent their maid instead, who bore the whole ordeal bravely and with stoicism. Her son, Vidura, grew up to be the only sensible person in that entire set up.

Dhritarashtra went on to father a hundred sons and one daughter. They were called the Kauravas.

Pandu fathered (well that was one way of looking at it, or shall we just say he provided the father's name on the birth certificate?) five sons, the Pandavas.

Let's face it, if the girls had been courageous and the guy had been handsome all these issues wouldn't have snowballed into a big battle. Dhritarashtra and Pandu would have been normal, happy kids with the usual amounts of angst and mischief in them. In turn, their kids would have turned out alright. All of them would have been deeply grateful that despite not having a trace of the royal blood of the rulers of the kingdom of Hastinapur, they got to live in a fancy palace and got to be called ‘Your Royal Highness’. But no, because of the small matter of not having thought of presenting himself well, Veda Vyasa, great seer though he may have been, caused the catastrophe that was responsible for almost everyone dying or getting maimed.

Women of the world have to question the patriarchy that requires them to look 'fair and lovely’. It's crystal clear from the above, that it's the men who need to work on their bodies, skin and hair. Even if only for world peace.